


The Mad Hatter

by Caiti (Caitriona_3)



Series: The Mercenary's Daughter [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Darcy is Deadpool's daughter, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 03:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2493467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitriona_3/pseuds/Caiti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes people wonder how much Darcy takes after her old man.  Snippets of interactions between Darcy and Coulson or his team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mad Hatter

**Author's Note:**

> Some went a little more serious than I planned. Oops.  
> Song is "The Mad Hatter" as sung by Linda Eder - it was from an apparently short lived musical play, but the song itself is fantastic!  
> Oh, and my headcanon (esp. for this verse) doesn't include the "bad Ward" thing.

 

[ ](http://imgur.com/VUHc8W0)

“Look,” Darcy sighed as she propped her feet up on the table. “I utterly and completely get that you’re having issues. I mean…the whole downfall of SHIELD thing? That’s gotta suck. Makes recruitment a bitch when you have to explain how a group like Hydra managed to infiltrate so deeply into the inner workings and clear up to one of the upper ranks.” She shrugged. “Not seeing how you think this means you’re going to convince me to sign on the dotted line. “Especially since I’m retired.”

“Miss Lewis,” Coulson began.

“No,” she interrupted. “Again, I get that ‘retired’ is not a word you comprehend. Golly-gee, you went and died and came back to work at the same place that got you killed. Personally I think it means you’re a little mental…and I know mental.” Her hands came up in a dramatic shrug. “I don’t even do the whole orders thing! Why me?”

“Romanoff and Barton won’t sign unless you do,” he admitted.

Her lips twitched. “I’m sorry,” she started, trying to control her amusement enough to get the words out, “but is this because you think I somehow…stole your assassins and they like me better?” His eyebrow twitched, but he remained silent. She shook her head. “Look, Coulson, I like you,” she told him. His face almost made an emotion and she smirked. “Mostly anyway. Your new team’s really nice too, but I don’t think you’ve thought through what having me around actually means.”

“Perhaps,” he allowed. He paused. “Would you consider contract work?”

“I swear,” she sighed, “retirement means nothing to you people.” Her mouth curled into a reluctant smile even as she rolled her eyes. “I’ll consider it okay? We’ll look at it case by case.”

_If you need something done, lay in wait, hit and run_  
 _There is just one name you should know._  
 _I'm not sugar and spice, I'm more naughty than nice._  
 _When it comes to bad I'm a pro._

_So just drop a dime on me,_  
 _I will guarantee, it's a fait accompli._  
 _Check out the hat._  
 _'Cause baby, I'm where it's at._

“It’s done.”

“Miss Lewis,” Coulson started.

“Hey, iPod thief,” Darcy interrupted him. Exasperation filled her eyes even as affection curved her lips upward. “Trust me, okay? It’s done. Might take us a few hours or a few days, but we’ve got this.”

“I hate asking you to-.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she laughed. “I know. You look at me and see Jane’s quirky assistant and the college kid who tased Thor.” She reached out and tapped the side of his nose with one forefinger. “I’m not the baby you think I am.”

“Too bad.” For a moment sorrow flickered deep in his eyes before his mask fell back over them.

She pulled back, blinking in surprise. Then the exasperation faded away as her look grew tender. “You’re cute,” she smiled. Confusion knotted his brow and she reached out once more to soothe it away. “It’s sweet that you want to let me be the kid,” she explained, “but when you’ve got a dad who’s a fairly unstable merc, no clue who mom is, and the system never knew you, being a kid just isn’t in the cards…but hey! I can play it well.”

Her smile probably grew too bright if his expression was anything to judge by, but she’d learned a long time ago – you could rail against fate or you could turn it in your favor. At the end of the day she had family, friends, and a lover she wouldn’t trade. As far as she was concerned, she won the roll of life’s dice and now all she had to do was keep it.

“Anyway,” she chirped, pulling back to sit on the edge of his desk. “We’ll take care of your little security issue, and Agent May won’t ever have to know some jackass decided to target her mom.”

“Thank you,” he nodded, giving way before her air of confidence.

“Not a problem,” she waved a hand. “Tasha likes May – says she’s one of the best. I have to ask though…how did you two end up ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ of a group like this? And aren’t y’all switching roles? You’re the nurturing Daddy and she’s the tough love Mother. How’s that working out for you?”

“Miss Lewis.” A long suffering sigh escaped him.

“No, really,” she laughed. “It’s a neat sort of thing you’ve got going on, but are the guys the sons or the sons-in-law? ‘Cause that Fitz guy? Totally gone on Doc Jemma. And do I even need to say a word about the other two? The looks those two toss off melt ice faster than Johnny Storm.”

Coulson gave her his best non-glare. “Would you please desist in putting these thoughts in my head, Miss Lewis?”

“I’m just saying,” she giggled as she hopped off the desk and headed for his door. She tossed a wink over her shoulder as she slipped out of the office. “Call it a fait accompli and expect to hear of our successful completion soon. Love to the family!”

_You got someone to find, somethin' nasty in mind,_  
 _Put the Hatter hot on the trail._  
 _I can get the job done like Attila the Hun,_  
 _And buddy, that ain't no fairy tale._

“How long as she been missing?” Darcy demanded as she strode on board the Bus with her team right behind her.

“Thirty-six hours,” Coulson replied, eyes remaining focused on the tracking screen. A blip popped up every so often only to vanish again before May could shift to follow it.

“Well that’s a pain in the ass,” Darcy remarked, wrinkling her nose at the screen. “Any other info?”

“Given their ability to access the systems here on the Bus, we believe they are one of the Hydra agents who spent time in SHIELD.” He turned to face them and her eyebrows flew up in acknowledgement of the expression on his face. It was an actual expression.

“Of course it is,” she sighed. “I swear, Hydra’s like a bad penny with a limpet’s attitude. They put this much effort into just running a legitimate business and Stark would be furious at the competition, but no! They’ve got to have delusions of grandeur.” She reached out and patted his arm. “Don’t worry – we got this.”

“Miss Lewis,” he began, voice more hesitant than she’d ever heard it. “Skye-.”

“Don’t worry,” she repeated, interrupting him. Her eyes took on a gleam that wouldn’t be out of place on her father’s face. “We’ve got your information, and you feed us anything new. That’s all we’ll need. We’ll get your baby girl home safe and sound…no stressing out, Daddykins.” She turned away before he could do more than blink at her. “Okay, my loves, it’s Hydra. Soldier, you’ve got point with me as backup. Let’s go make some noise. Widow, Hawk – you get to pick up baby sis. Anybody’s done more than a bruise or two, they don’t walk out. Got it?”

No replies were needed as the team of four slipped out of the Bus and headed off to retrieve a lost sheep. Less than six hours later Coulson stood at the foot of the ramp and watched as the team returned with a mostly undamaged Skye tucked into the middle of their group. He lifted an eyebrow at them.

“Hope you didn’t want one of the bad guys,” Darcy gave him a cheeky grin, “because I’m pretty sure we didn’t leave you any to pick up. Oh, and fair warning?” Her eyes sparkled. “You’ve got a livewire here, Daddykins,” she announced. “Teach the girl a little hunger for the fight, and you’re going to have to put a leash on her.”

“Thank you, Miss Lewis,” he returned drily. “We like her the way she is.” Skye gave him a bright smile as she walked past the team and came to a stop beside him.

“Oh, me too,” Darcy nodded. “Just figured I should give you a heads up. Baby girl’s got a spark. She’s going to run you a merry chase.”

Skye laughed and Coulson sighed. “Please, Miss Lewis, don’t encourage her.”

_Let them run away, I will make them pay,_  
 _Quicker than the lady can say_  
 _“Off with her head!”_  
 _Well, isn't that what she said?_

_I'm the Mad Hatter, wacky as a hatter should be;_  
 _The Mad Hatter, ain't nobody crazy as me!_  
 _Might as well give up now, ain't no way, no how,_  
 _No one makes their getaway clean._  
 _Know what I mean? The Hatter works for the Queen._

A blood red drop welled up where the tip of the knife pressed into soft flesh.

“Let me see if I can explain this in a way you’ll understand,” Darcy whispered into her target’s ear. She leaned against his back, her free hand petting his hair back. “Do you see the pretty lady over there? You know – the one you took from her friends and tied up in your nasty little room?” Her voice remained hushed, but grew even more syrupy sweet causing him to swallow and press the knife that much deeper. A small whimper escaped the man as he shifted against the ropes holding him in place. “Shh,” she told him. “Don’t get all cry-baby yet. I want you to understand exactly what you’ve done wrong.”

“I’m sorry!”

“Oh, sugar, that is just not going to cut it.” Darcy’s voice held a mocking note of sympathy. “You hurt the pretty lady, and her people are not happy. I’m talking apocalyptic levels of unhappiness and it’s all directed at you. There’s a genius type scientist coming up with all kinds of plans, and he’s usually the least aggressive of the whole group. Toss in a young woman with some real interesting ideas of punishment and I think the two of them might just scare you half to death.”

“I…I….”

“I’m not finished,” she scolded him, scraping the knife across his throat. It was deep enough for him to feel, but not enough to draw blood. He froze and she patted his shoulder. “Good boy. Now, if those two scare you, you definitely don’t want to meet the other three. One of them…well, he’d probably just shoot you to rid the world of your presence, so you know he might be your best choice. The other two? Oh, they are livid – absolutely livid…and yet utterly calm. Have you ever had frostbite? Believe me; you’re going to have it soon from the sheer chill radiating from them.”

“Ah, Miss Lewis?” The hesitant voice drew Darcy’s attention immediately.

“Its okay, Doc,” she smiled. “You can call me Darcy. Do you need something?”

“It’s not that I’m opposed to him being punished,” Jemma’s smile shook. “I’m not, I assure you, but I would rather…” Her voice trailed off.

“Oh, Doc,” Darcy pulled away from the now-gibbering bad guy. “Don’t worry - you’re not going to be anywhere near the site of his eventual fate.” She reached back to put the knife in the sheath at the small of her back. “Now, I have no idea what that’s going to be,” she continued. “Your boss man made me promise to let him handle this guy. If the bastard’s lucky, your team’s muscle will handle it - simple, quick, and done. Everyone else is getting creative and that’s almost always guaranteed to get messy.” Jemma’s expression grew confused, but Darcy linked their arms and began to lead her from the room. “So, Doc, any cute, funny stories on the boss? Or, hey, any kind of blackmail at all?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Trust me, Doc, I’ll take anything at all. I love making Coulson give me that stoic unhappy face. It’s fun.”

_What is true? What is not? Can both change in a shot._  
 _And buddy, me, I couldn't care less -_  
 _'Cause in two seconds flat, livin' under my hat_  
 _Is the strategy for success._

_I can stop a coup with a thing or two_  
 _That you thought nobody could do._  
 _You oughta know this ain't my first rodeo!_

They never saw her coming.

“Hi fellas!”

At least half a dozen men leapt to their feet as she strode through the door. Patronizing grins crossed their faces as they exchanged looks as if trying to decide who would get the ‘honor’ of dealing with the invader. Darcy really hated dealing with stupid people. There should be a law against having to deal with stupid people. Did they honestly think a five-foot-five woman would just walk into a room full of hired guns like she was walking into a bar?

“Seriously?” she demanded as the first man rushed her. She stepped to the side, sticking one foot out and sending him sprawling into a filing cabinet. “Okay, you know what? I don’t have time to deal with minions.” She straightened her arms with a snap as she twisted her wrists in a precise manner and two guns appeared in her hands from hidden mechanisms under her sleeves. Only now did the men bother to reach for their own weapons.

“Too late, assholes,” she yawned. She continued into the room, hands moving almost independent of thought. Each gunshot took down a bad guy. As she turned she aimed a frown at the person lounging in the doorway. “Why are so many of these guys just annoyingly stupid?”

“Because power hungry villains don’t like sharing power and smart minions start wondering why they’re just followers,” Bucky’s smirk slid into a grin as she pouted. “Come on, doll face. Let’s go see if anyone in this place actually has a brain.”

“I’m beginning to doubt it,” she sighed as she stepped up to him. She leaned into him for a moment as she holstered her weapons. “Only an idiot would think Coulson of all people would be unprotected.”

“They’re too used to Fury,” Tasha remarked as she slipped around the corner. “He had to have all the reins tightly in his own hands. It’s what made him unhappy with the final line up of the Avengers.”

“Yeah,” Clint agreed from overhead. Darcy looked up to watch him flip out of a vent and fall to land beside them. “He hated having to depend on Stark and Banner. Thor wasn’t his first choice either.” His mouth fell into a sharp smirk. “Toss in Rogers’ tendency to go off script when someone crosses one of his moral compass points and you could always watch him repress a twitch.”

“I’d follow the punk’s instincts long before I’d follow anyone else’s experience,” Bucky scoffed.

Tasha tilted her chin in agreement. “So would the rest of us.”

“Which pissed Fury off even more,” Clint laughed.

“And so now these idiots are trying to take out a chess master,” Darcy laughed, “not realizing they’re dealing with a guy who doesn’t hoard power that way?”

“Exactly,” Tasha nodded. “Coulson trusts the field personnel more – it’s why he was always the one to work with the wildcards. We knew he trusted us to make our own decisions, so we trusted him to back us. It meant we trusted him enough to follow orders without question when he did demand it.”

Darcy gave a slow nod. “Alright then,” she clapped her hands. “Let’s go find the head honcho of this particular band of stupid. “We’ll just have to put an end to this would be coup.”

“Coup?” Clint’s eyebrows went up.

Bucky jerked a thumb over one shoulder. “That gaggle was carrying SHIELD identification.”

“Stupid,” Darcy repeated. “Enough chitchat, Wildcards. Let’s go play with guns.”

_I'm the Mad Hatter, dapper as a hatter should be;_  
 _I'm the Mad Hatter, ain't nobody snappier, you see!_  
 _So just surrender, dear, for the end is near;_  
 _Let's grease up that old guillotine._  
 _You think I'm mean? Well, get a load of the queen?_

_There is nothin' I won't do._  
 _There is nothin' too taboo._  
 _I will lie! I will cheat!_  
 _I will track you down and then hit delete_  
 _Tout de suite! So, buddy, let me repeat;_

“This is a bad, bad, bad idea.”

Darcy giggled. “Oh, come on, Baby Girl! Don’t you want to see if we can make the corner of his eye twitch? A few minutes of flirting and leading the bad guys on and the bam! All we have to do is get them in the pool.”

“But….alligators?”

“They’re only babies,” Darcy pointed out. “And it’s not like it’s a whole pack of them. So these guys might lose a finger. It’s not like I brought Mama.”

“What’s Coulson going to think?” Skye asked her eyes widening as she watched Darcy finishing the connections on the little device.

“Whose eye did you think I was talking about?” Darcy grinned back at her. “You didn’t think I mean Ward’s, did you? Totally wasn’t talking about him. I know what the Bratling Cave Man’s going to do. He’s going to haul you out of here while Coulson’s giving me grief.”

Skye gaped at her. “Why would he do that?”

“Really?” Darcy started laughing. “Ward’s gone on you and he’s going to pull you out while all eyes are on me to try and keep you out of trouble. He’s going to hope that by the time Coulson gets back around to remembering you, his temper will have run its course.” She held up a hand in warning. “Now, that doesn’t mean the guy won’t give you his own lecture, but it’ll probably be more of a ‘avoid Lewis’ type of lecture and less a ‘what the hell were you thinking’ lecture.” One forefinger tapped her lips as she considered it. “It’s too bad that didn’t occur to me earlier. I could have arranged for something to tape it. I’d love to see the replay.”

“Are you really crazy?” Skye asked. “It’s cool if you are, really, but I think that’s something I should probably be wondering right about now.”

“I’m not actually crazy,” Darcy shook her head. Then she stopped and considered. “Okay, I might be crazy on some scales,” she corrected. “It’s not really something they know how to measure. I’m not a danger to myself or to others unless those others have proven to be a danger to me or mine. You, your team, my team, the kids on the street, even the jerk who dumped his beer on me last night – all of them are safe. It’s the naughty, nasty people of the world that have to worry about me now.”

“And how do you know it’ll stay that way?” Skye pushed, eyes intent.

“Because I promised,” Darcy replied. “I promised Jane when she took me in that I would only use my powers for good. I’ve kept that promise too. My methods might get a little questionable, but never my reasons and never my goals. Sometimes I push my luck, but I never break my promises.”

“Okay,” Skye nodded. “Coulson trusts you, so I will too.” She bit her lip. “You really think Ward will get me out of trouble?”

“Worried about losing your spot as the favorite Baby Girl with Daddykins?” Darcy teased. “Don’t be. Doc’s way too proper, so that means I’m next in line, and I’m the Rebel. I think you’re spot is safe.” She turned a wicked smile on Skye. “Or is it tall, dark, and pain in the ass that has your attention?”

“Darcy!”

_I'm the Mad Hatter, clever as a hatter should be;_  
 _I'm the Mad Hatter, never pull the wool over me!_  
 _I've got a welcome planned here in Wonderland._  
 _It's an audience with an axe, take it from me._  
 _I'm only stating the facts, so sit back and relax._  
 _The Mad Hatter attacks, the Mad Hatter attacks!_

“Can I just say it’s been a blast?” Darcy grinned from where she leaned back against Bucky. Clint perched on the top of a nearby set of shelves while Natasha lounged in a chair beside them.

Coulson sighed from where he sat at the table. “Thank you for your assistance,” he replied. “Do you need a lift home?”

“Nah,” she shook her head. “We’ve got this one.” She pulled herself away from Bucky and glided over to where he sat. He watched her, confusion and caution mingled in his gaze as she leaned down. Mischief turned her smile wicked as she brushed her lips over his cheek before whispering in his ear. “See you on the flipside, Son of Coul.”

Darcy could swear she felt the glare of exasperated affection all the way down the ramp. Or was it affectionate exasperation? Sometimes it was hard to tell with him. Her face scrunched up in thought. Bucky raised an eyebrow and she just shrugged.

“And I thought Dad was a pain to read.”


End file.
